Getting Kids to do what you want: Part 1

A friend of mine shared a recent conversation she had with her daughter, who is a first-year college student. At one point in the conversation, her daughter asked, "But Mom, how do you get kids to do what you want them to do?"

That is a profound and complex question! My friend did not tell me her answer, but I suspect the question was asked because she was trying to support her daughter in getting necessary tasks done so they could meet me at an open mic supper gig that evening. As it turned out, there was too much to do and too little time to do it in, so they did not make it to the gig.

Since that's a popular question among parents, I decided to attempt an answer... so here goes:

Every parent knows that there are some things that just have to be done, whether kids want to do them or not. And sometimes they have to be done by a certain time - like getting up in the morning, getting dressed for school, catching the bus, doing homework, eating supper, showering and brushing teeth before bed, etc. So how do parents get kids to focus on and do what they need to do (what parents want them to do), when there are so many fun distractions around these days?

First, let me say that you can't make kids do what you want them to. Well, you can, but it won't be a pleasant experience for either of you. Parents are generally bigger, stronger, and scarier than kids, so you could over power, force, or scare them into it. The problem with being bigger, stronger, or scarier is that some kids grow bigger, stronger, and unafraid of their parents by the time they reach puberty. So intimidating them with size, strength, or fear only works for so long, and then what? Or, parents have to turn into such attacking, forceful, scary monsters to get their way that the family relationships become stressful or even abusive and crumble apart. Neither of those results are desirable.

The other problem with intimidating kids into doing what you want them to do is that they learn to get their way by competing against or manipulating others rather than collaborating with them. In this society, most of us learn this trick from someone in our lives. One person "wins" and the other "loses."

But what if there was another way? What if you could get your kids to "do what you want them to do" and do it in a way that feels like a "win-win" for both of you? Wouldn't that be ideal: both of you winning!

Guess what? It is possible! This is what we will explore in the next series of articles on "Ask Dr. Z." So get ready, get set, Go! Look for article #2 soon...