Death Part 5: Finding Hope Through Grief

I spent last weekend volunteering with adults who were grieving the death of a beloved. For some of them, the death had occurred years prior; for others, just months ago. They were grieving for parents, siblings, spouses, children and grandchildren. It didn't matter who they lost; it only mattered that they lost. The experience opened me up to the many challenges that face grieving adults, and inspired this article.

When you experience a significant death in your life, there is a period of time afterward where life feels surreal; when there seems to be a veil between you - who are primarily impacted by the death of your beloved - and others who are secondarily impacted by it. You cannot quite connect, even if you were close before the death. The others get back to the flow, rhythm and general stability of their lives pretty quickly, while you undergo major transformation as you recreate your life without your beloved.

During this time, the movement of life around you can feel surreal, uncomfortable and even isolating. You might feel alone in the midst of all the people who show up to offer support because you stand alone in your experience of the death; no one can quite touch where you are with it. Often, the pace of life feels too fast to keep up with. You are stepping into new roles that you didn't hold before, learning new things and/or having to do new tasks that add to what you are already doing. For some, you suddenly find yourself being a single parent having to juggle all that goes with it. This can feel overwhelming because in your inner world, time stopped at the news of your beloved's death, and as your body moves into the energy of deep grieving, everything else around you needs to stop or at least slow down... but it doesn't.

Often times, those you are closest to disappear from your life following a  death, or they simply can't offer you the support you need. It isn't personal; it is because they are uncomfortable. Most people don't like to face the reality of their own death or the death of their loved ones, so they avoid being around people who are grieving. They don't know what to say or do; they feel uncomfortable with their own emotions so they are uncomfortable with yours; or they are uneasy with dying and death in general. Many people are socialized to "fix" things and "make you feel better" when that is not really what you need. There is nothing to "fix" with death, and you are going to feel bad while you grieve it; no one can change that.

People who are grieving need to grieve, and oftentimes they simply need someone to hold space for them while they do it. You know best what you need and want from moment to moment. It's OK for you to ask for what you want and need from people, and to kindly reject what you don't want or need.

Grief is messy. There are times when grief takes the form of body-shaking, snot-dripping sobbing from the depths of your Being. You may even be startled by the primal sounds that surface during these times! It's OK; this is a part of deep grieving. The depth of your ability to love is the depth of your ability to grieve. Other times, your grief may look like a quiet remembering of your beloved with laughter rather than tears. This is OK too; we have happy memories with them to enjoy. It's OK to sob, to scream, to yell and wail, to laugh and smile, to rage and rant, to sit in silence. Grief is messy. It does not look like any one thing; it looks however it looks for you. And however it looks for you is perfect.

Grief takes energy. Every decision you have to make takes energy, so everything other than your grief feels like too much to manage during this time. While grieving, you often don't have much energy to spare for anything else. During the rawness of your grief, you hardly have the energy to deal with yourself! That is why your sleep patterns may shift dramatically during this time - because the body is trying to adapt to the new changes that have been dropped into your world. Sometimes the body copes by not wanting to sleep, which helps you juggle all the new demands of life following the death. Sometimes the body copes by sleeping all the time, which is easy since you don't have much energy to deal with anything anyway...

Finding time to grieve is something you didn't need or have to do before, but now you do. Now grief is a part of your life. Now you have to make space for waves of sadness and pain, confusion, longing and loneliness, anger, impatience, overwhelm and exhaustion because these are a part of your life now; these are parts of the grief process.

Yet you can rest into knowing that this is temporary; it won't last forever. The intensity, pain and sadness, the loneliness, anger, impatience, overwhelm and exhaustion will soften as you move forward in life without your beloved and find a new rhythm. These feelings are the body's way of healing after a loss. They support you in giving yourself the space and time you need to grieve in a healthy way so you can ultimately reconnect with your self and your life in the absence of your beloved. Healthy grieving is the road to recovery of a fulfilling life following a death.

Death changes us for the whole of our lives; it impacts us for the rest of our lives. It is not something we can control or understand yet there is no doubt that with healthy releasing and grieving, space is created for us to rebuild our lives... And ultimately this is a gift. Somehow, you find that on the other side of your loss and grief, there is something beautiful awaiting you; but you must authentically move through the grief process to reveal it.

Then, when you are ready, you will open to embrace what's waiting for you there. I can't say what it is because it is uniquely your gift, but I can say that one day, you will find it and be deeply grateful for it. You may also recognize that somehow this gift came to you through your beloved - a gift from their heart to yours... And in my experience, your heart will burst open with love and joy, and your connection to them will deepen into something more beautiful than can be imagined.

This is the hope I hold for you in my own heart - that when it is time, you receive your gift and are filled with love, joy and a very special connection to your beloved that moves your life forward in vibrant new ways, and allows you to become an even brighter expression of the Divine. For through your vibrant expression of divinity, all others are served, including your beloved.

So be it and so it is. Namaste'.

[My deepest gratitude to Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX, for the opportunity to be a part of such a beautiful and loving experience: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]