Death Part 6: Things Children Need

Welcome back. This is the final article in our series about children's grief. Today's article is a summary of the series and answers the question: "What do children need while they are grieving?" Not everything a child could need is included here, yet you will find some of the most important things that you can do to support their healthy grieving, and yours.

• The first thing that kids need is accurate information. Using symbolism confuses them because they take what you say literally. Bending, distorting or changing the truth creates a situation whereby adults have to keep their story straight around children so as not to "slip up" and let the truth sneak out. This adds to the level of tension and distress everyone is already feeling. It also keeps the family from moving through the grief process together in an honest and emotionally healing way that promotes intimacy and trust. If children learn the truth in the future (and they will), they and you must then deal with their grief all over again, plus their sense of betrayal and lack of trust in you.

• Address their fears and anxieties. Many children feel afraid and anxious after a significant loss in their lives. Their understanding of the larger cycle of life and death is still developing. It's helpful to allow children to express any fears or anxieties they are feeling through the loss, and to compassionately reassure them with accurate, factual information that they and their loved ones are safe.

• Reassure them that they are not to blame. It's easy for children - in their innocence - to confusedly blame themselves for their loved one's death. It is important to clear up any distorted beliefs and reassure them that no one and nothing is to blame for a death. Death is simply a natural part of living; all things eventually die.

• Listen carefully to what they share. When children are ready to talk about the death, listen! By listening with presence, you learn about their grief process and can better meet their needs through it. You can also correct any distortions in their thoughts that might lead to unnecessary emotional pain, and can take action where it may be called for in terms of their healing.

• Validate their feelings. Just as with adults, children feel many different things during the grief process. Some children need to talk about the death and express their feelings around it. Others may not be ready to do either for some time. Allow them to feel whatever it is they are feeling in each moment, without judgment, criticism, or asking them to feel any different than they do. Everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. Allow your children to heal in their own way and time by letting them know that all they are feeling is OK and is a natural part of their grief process.

• Support them through dealing with overwhelming feelings. Children have fewer coping skills than adults. It is up to adults to provide them with the loving support they need to cope with overwhelming feelings of grief, sadness, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame or whatever it is they may be feeling following a loss. If you are unable to support them yourself, consult a professional who can. The sooner these intense feelings are addressed, the less opportunity there is for them to grow into something more serious.

• Involve and include them in the grief process and in creating a new life without their loved one. Grief is a family process. Sharing the things that move life forward brings intimacy and closeness into family relationships that are undergoing the strain of a loss. Things like crying and laughing together, sharing stories, remembering special times, creating altars, choosing an urn, redesigning holidays and special occasions, reworking routines, etc. are all beautiful tools for healing that families can share. Children can be included in the decisions that are made following a death, even if their input holds less weight than that of the adults.

• Maintain some routine for stability. Following a death, there are many changes for families as different aspects of their lives change suddenly. Find those places where routines can be maintained for stability and delay big changes until there is a natural break. For example, when at all possible, delay changes in the people, places and things that are a part of kids lives. Keep them close to and participating in the familiar, such as their neighborhood and home, school, friends, extended family, recreational activities, etc. Keep regular household routines as stable as possible and if change is necessary, make it gentle and return to your "norm" as soon as possible.

• Model authentic grieving for them. Children learn how to grieve in a healthy way by observing the adults around them.  Grieving along with children allows them to learn about the uniqueness of the emotional process of their own grief and of grief in general. This is a healthy way for them to develop trust in, express and honor their own feelings rather than hiding, distorting or stuffing them. Children who are capable of recognizing and expressing their feelings in an honest, healthy way grow up to be compassionate, authentic and stable adults.

• Create opportunities for them to share memories of their loved one. It is natural for memories to fade with time; this in no way diminishes the love that family members feel for their loved one. Sometimes it is hard for children to remember the times they shared with their loved one. They may begin to feel guilty, ashamed or afraid for it. Making space to share stories and memories with them goes a long way toward supporting their healing. It helps keep the person more present in their lives until they feel ready for a higher level of separation from them. It can also soften any fears, guilt or shame they may have around forgetting things about their loved one.
  

• Allow space for the relationship to change. As time passes, the relationship your family has to your loved one changes. This is a natural part of the healing process. As your hearts heal from the loss, your lives move forward in new ways and with new relationships. As the spaces left in your loved one's wake get filled with new things, your focus on the loss and all that it held begins to soften and change. This is true for children as well. As they heal and age, the way they relate to the death will change. Things that were more important before may be less important today; and things that weren't important before may become more important today. As children hit new milestones in their lives, they will grieve the loss of their loved one in new ways. This is true for adults as well. Allow yourself and your children the space you all need to grieve the loss through the years as life goes on.

This completes the series on dealing with death for children. It is not meant to include every aspect of the grief journey, but to highlight some of the more important parts. May it serve as a light for you in the darkness that can surface during the loss of a loved one. Peace Be.

[Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]