• The first thing that kids need is accurate information. Using symbolism confuses them because they take what you say literally. Bending, distorting or changing the truth creates a situation whereby adults have to keep their story straight around children so as not to "slip up" and let the truth sneak out. This adds to the level of tension and distress everyone is already feeling. It also keeps the family from moving through the grief process together in an honest and emotionally healing way that promotes intimacy and trust. If children learn the truth in the future (and they will), they and you must then deal with their grief all over again, plus their sense of betrayal and lack of trust in you.

• Address their fears and anxieties. Many children feel afraid and anxious after a significant loss in their lives. Their understanding of the larger cycle of life and death is still developing. It's helpful to allow children to express any fears or anxieties they are feeling through the loss, and to compassionately reassure them with accurate, factual information that they and their loved ones are safe.

• Reassure them that they are not to blame. It's easy for children - in their innocence - to confusedly blame themselves for their loved one's death. It is important to clear up any distorted beliefs and reassure them that no one and nothing is to blame for a death. Death is simply a natural part of living; all things eventually die.

• Listen carefully to what they share. When children are ready to talk about the death, listen! By listening with presence, you learn about their grief process and can better meet their needs through it. You can also correct any distortions in their thoughts that might lead to unnecessary emotional pain, and can take action where it may be called for in terms of their healing.

• Validate their feelings. Just as with adults, children feel many different things during the grief process. Some children need to talk about the death and express their feelings around it. Others may not be ready to do either for some time. Allow them to feel whatever it is they are feeling in each moment, without judgment, criticism, or asking them to feel any different than they do. Everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. Allow your children to heal in their own way and time by letting them know that all they are feeling is OK and is a natural part of their grief process.

• Support them through dealing with overwhelming feelings. Children have fewer coping skills than adults. It is up to adults to provide them with the loving support they need to cope with overwhelming feelings of grief, sadness, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame or whatever it is they may be feeling following a loss. If you are unable to support them yourself, consult a professional who can. The sooner these intense feelings are addressed, the less opportunity there is for them to grow into something more serious.

• Involve and include them in the grief process and in creating a new life without their loved one. Grief is a family process. Sharing the things that move life forward brings intimacy and closeness into family relationships that are undergoing the strain of a loss. Things like crying and laughing together, sharing stories, remembering special times, creating altars, choosing an urn, redesigning holidays and special occasions, reworking routines, etc. are all beautiful tools for healing that families can share. Children can be included in the decisions that are made following a death, even if their input holds less weight than that of the adults.

• Maintain some routine for stability. Following a death, there are many changes for families as different aspects of their lives change suddenly. Find those places where routines can be maintained for stability and delay big changes until there is a natural break. For example, when at all possible, delay changes in the people, places and things that are a part of kids lives. Keep them close to and participating in the familiar, such as their neighborhood and home, school, friends, extended family, recreational activities, etc. Keep regular household routines as stable as possible and if change is necessary, make it gentle and return to your "norm" as soon as possible.

• Model authentic grieving for them. Children learn how to grieve in a healthy way by observing the adults around them.  Grieving along with children allows them to learn about the uniqueness of the emotional process of their own grief and of grief in general. This is a healthy way for them to develop trust in, express and honor their own feelings rather than hiding, distorting or stuffing them. Children who are capable of recognizing and expressing their feelings in an honest, healthy way grow up to be compassionate, authentic and stable adults.

• Create opportunities for them to share memories of their loved one. It is natural for memories to fade with time; this in no way diminishes the love that family members feel for their loved one. Sometimes it is hard for children to remember the times they shared with their loved one. They may begin to feel guilty, ashamed or afraid for it. Making space to share stories and memories with them goes a long way toward supporting their healing. It helps keep the person more present in their lives until they feel ready for a higher level of separation from them. It can also soften any fears, guilt or shame they may have around forgetting things about their loved one.
  

• Allow space for the relationship to change. As time passes, the relationship your family has to your loved one changes. This is a natural part of the healing process. As your hearts heal from the loss, your lives move forward in new ways and with new relationships. As the spaces left in your loved one's wake get filled with new things, your focus on the loss and all that it held begins to soften and change. This is true for children as well. As they heal and age, the way they relate to the death will change. Things that were more important before may be less important today; and things that weren't important before may become more important today. As children hit new milestones in their lives, they will grieve the loss of their loved one in new ways. This is true for adults as well. Allow yourself and your children the space you all need to grieve the loss through the years as life goes on.

This completes the series on dealing with death for children. It is not meant to include every aspect of the grief journey, but to highlight some of the more important parts. May it serve as a light for you in the darkness that can surface during the loss of a loved one. Peace Be.

[Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

When you experience a significant death in your life, there is a period of time afterward where life feels surreal; when there seems to be a veil between you - who are primarily impacted by the death of your beloved - and others who are secondarily impacted by it. You cannot quite connect, even if you were close before the death. The others get back to the flow, rhythm and general stability of their lives pretty quickly, while you undergo major transformation as you recreate your life without your beloved.

During this time, the movement of life around you can feel surreal, uncomfortable and even isolating. You might feel alone in the midst of all the people who show up to offer support because you stand alone in your experience of the death; no one can quite touch where you are with it. Often, the pace of life feels too fast to keep up with. You are stepping into new roles that you didn't hold before, learning new things and/or having to do new tasks that add to what you are already doing. For some, you suddenly find yourself being a single parent having to juggle all that goes with it. This can feel overwhelming because in your inner world, time stopped at the news of your beloved's death, and as your body moves into the energy of deep grieving, everything else around you needs to stop or at least slow down... but it doesn't.

Often times, those you are closest to disappear from your life following a  death, or they simply can't offer you the support you need. It isn't personal; it is because they are uncomfortable. Most people don't like to face the reality of their own death or the death of their loved ones, so they avoid being around people who are grieving. They don't know what to say or do; they feel uncomfortable with their own emotions so they are uncomfortable with yours; or they are uneasy with dying and death in general. Many people are socialized to "fix" things and "make you feel better" when that is not really what you need. There is nothing to "fix" with death, and you are going to feel bad while you grieve it; no one can change that.

People who are grieving need to grieve, and oftentimes they simply need someone to hold space for them while they do it. You know best what you need and want from moment to moment. It's OK for you to ask for what you want and need from people, and to kindly reject what you don't want or need.

Grief is messy. There are times when grief takes the form of body-shaking, snot-dripping sobbing from the depths of your Being. You may even be startled by the primal sounds that surface during these times! It's OK; this is a part of deep grieving. The depth of your ability to love is the depth of your ability to grieve. Other times, your grief may look like a quiet remembering of your beloved with laughter rather than tears. This is OK too; we have happy memories with them to enjoy. It's OK to sob, to scream, to yell and wail, to laugh and smile, to rage and rant, to sit in silence. Grief is messy. It does not look like any one thing; it looks however it looks for you. And however it looks for you is perfect.

Grief takes energy. Every decision you have to make takes energy, so everything other than your grief feels like too much to manage during this time. While grieving, you often don't have much energy to spare for anything else. During the rawness of your grief, you hardly have the energy to deal with yourself! That is why your sleep patterns may shift dramatically during this time - because the body is trying to adapt to the new changes that have been dropped into your world. Sometimes the body copes by not wanting to sleep, which helps you juggle all the new demands of life following the death. Sometimes the body copes by sleeping all the time, which is easy since you don't have much energy to deal with anything anyway...

Finding time to grieve is something you didn't need or have to do before, but now you do. Now grief is a part of your life. Now you have to make space for waves of sadness and pain, confusion, longing and loneliness, anger, impatience, overwhelm and exhaustion because these are a part of your life now; these are parts of the grief process.

Yet you can rest into knowing that this is temporary; it won't last forever. The intensity, pain and sadness, the loneliness, anger, impatience, overwhelm and exhaustion will soften as you move forward in life without your beloved and find a new rhythm. These feelings are the body's way of healing after a loss. They support you in giving yourself the space and time you need to grieve in a healthy way so you can ultimately reconnect with your self and your life in the absence of your beloved. Healthy grieving is the road to recovery of a fulfilling life following a death.

Death changes us for the whole of our lives; it impacts us for the rest of our lives. It is not something we can control or understand yet there is no doubt that with healthy releasing and grieving, space is created for us to rebuild our lives... And ultimately this is a gift. Somehow, you find that on the other side of your loss and grief, there is something beautiful awaiting you; but you must authentically move through the grief process to reveal it.

Then, when you are ready, you will open to embrace what's waiting for you there. I can't say what it is because it is uniquely your gift, but I can say that one day, you will find it and be deeply grateful for it. You may also recognize that somehow this gift came to you through your beloved - a gift from their heart to yours... And in my experience, your heart will burst open with love and joy, and your connection to them will deepen into something more beautiful than can be imagined.

This is the hope I hold for you in my own heart - that when it is time, you receive your gift and are filled with love, joy and a very special connection to your beloved that moves your life forward in vibrant new ways, and allows you to become an even brighter expression of the Divine. For through your vibrant expression of divinity, all others are served, including your beloved.

So be it and so it is. Namaste'.

[My deepest gratitude to Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX, for the opportunity to be a part of such a beautiful and loving experience: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

ALLOW: Just like adults, children grieve uniquely. This is because they each have a unique relationship to the beloved that dies, even if situations or ages are similar or the same. Think about it: you are not exactly the same with everyone in your life; you have a unique relationship with each person. So do your children. This has little to do with how much they love the people (or pets) in their lives; it is simply about their relationship to them and what it holds for them. It is important to allow children to feel whatever it is they feel around a loss, even if it seems strange to us, or is different from how others are responding.

SYMPTOMS: Children go through stages of grief just as adults do. Here are some things you may witness in your children:

• Shock, denial or a lack of feelings: This is a necessary coping stage for many kids. Allow them to feel whatever they are feeling and respect their need to talk or not talk about the situation. Sometimes they need time to integrate what happened before they can talk about it or tap into their feelings. Expecting them to deal with the loss too quickly can damage their emotional body, making it more difficult for them to heal in the long run. Other times, all they need or want to do is talk about it! Do your best to honor where they are, moment to moment.
  
• Body reactions: Children's bodies might react to the stress of a loss, especially if they don't have a safe outlet for their feelings. They may develop a rash or hives, asthma, experience lethargy or a lack of energy, sleep changes, eating changes, etc. These changes are normal in the short-term but if they linger, they signal the need for more support. If you notice drastic changes in behavior, weight, sleeping or eating habits, mood or health that linger 3-6 months (or less depending on severity), seek professional help for them through a pediatrician, counselor or therapist.
• Regression: Loss of a beloved person or pet can leave children feeling vulnerable. Following a significant loss, it is common for them to regress emotionally - meaning that they try to return to a time when they felt more safe. Regression is one way they cope with the pain of a loss and the instability that follows. They may need to be cared for and nurtured more than usual. They may begin to act much younger than they are. These behaviors are signs that they feel vulnerable or scared. During this time, offer them the extra nurturing they need, and reassure them that they are loved and safe.
• Overwhelm: Just as with adults, death or loss can leave children feeling disoriented and confused. They may have trouble concentrating, be distracted or unable to follow-through with tasks. They may get overwhelmed easily or be unable to do even simple things like brush their teeth. When their emotional body is overwhelmed, any request can feel like too much to them. It is helpful to be especially compassionate and gentle with children following a loss. Nurturing them will move them through the healing process more quickly then pressuring them.
• Emotional reactions: Children may go through a phase of having explosive emotions such as hate, blame, terror, panic or resentment. They may begin to act out in dramatic ways to feel in control, empowered or to cope with intense feelings. This type of emotional expression is actually a healthy response to the trauma of a loss. It signals an intact survival instinct and value in the face of painful loss. The intensity of these reactions will diminish as time passes and healthy healing occurs. Your goal as the parent is to set safe, healthy limits for them without a power struggle, anger or violence. If you're not sure how to do this, or if the explosiveness lingers for more than 3-6 months (or less, depending on severity), seek professional support.
• Hypermaturity: Sometimes following a loss, children believe they must "step up" into a role that they are not developmentally ready to manage. Adults often make the mistake of saying things like "You're the oldest; it's up to you;" or "You're the man of the house now; you must be strong;" or "You're Mom is counting on you." It is not healthy to thrust children into roles of responsibility before they are ready and as they are trying to cope with their own sense of loss. Doing this can displace their grief by forcing them to focus on the new role rather then on their thoughts and feelings around the loss. This is not to say that children can't help; it means that parents and other adults keep their expectations within each child's stage of readiness and maturity.
• Fear, guilt or sadness: Children may show other feelings following a significant loss in their lives. Especially young children can experience heightened levels of fear around being taken care of, becoming attached to or close to others. Be open to their questions and concerns so they feel accepted and know you can be trusted. Children might also experience feelings of guilt for surviving, or for what they believe they might have done, but didn't, or for what they feel they did that contributed to the death. Listen openly to their feelings and concerns. Reassure them that death is nobody's fault and that they are not to blame. Like adults, children will feel sad, empty and alone following a loss. Some children go into what is called magical thinking, wanting the situation to magically be different. Other children may experience a sense of relief and joy that they survived, despite the loss. Allow children to talk about it, ask questions and process what happened with you so you can clear up any distortions in their thoughts or beliefs. Accept their feelings so they know you accept them, which goes a long, long way toward their healing.

SUPPORT: Back in the day when I was in graduate school, the rule of thumb for knowing when more support was needed following a death, loss or traumatic event was 6 months. There is no time line for grief; it takes as long as it takes, and it is a completely individual, unique experience. With that being said and very generally speaking, 6 months is sufficient time for the bulk of the emotional distress and intensity of a death to soften a bit. By then, some of the overwhelm has passed, there is less confusion, more stability has returned and things are "getting back to normal," only it's a new normal for those who were touched by the event.

If at 6 months following a death, your child is so depressed or distraught that they can't function - go to school, eat, sleep, take care of hygiene, engage in social activities, get out of bed - then it is time to call professional help, if not before. But 6 months is a reasonable marker, and of course, it depends on the severity of their symptoms.This does not mean that in 6 months children will be completely recovered from a loss; it means that in 6 months, they will be finding their way forward despite the loss.

Death touches our lives forever. Children, just like adults, may have a reaction years after a death because there was a reminder of some kind that touched their heart. Anniversary times and special events such as birthdays and holidays can stimulate grief. Also, as new or special events and opportunities arise in life, children may miss their loved one's presence, such as parent nights or events at school, prom nights, football or other athletic events, dance and music recitals, going to college, graduation, getting a driver's license, dating, marrying, having children, etc. This is normal and to be expected. They will - just as you will - have fleeting reactions over time, even as they learn to live without their loved one. Open to and allow those random reactions as a part of the healing process. Accept children's reactions when they arise; this gives them the spaciousness and safety they need to heal in a healthy way.

Look for the 5th article in this series, Finding Hope Through Grief, soon. Until then, Peace Be. [Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

These are all important questions. The death or loss of a loved one in the family is a devastating experience for everyone involved. I often say that death is something that impacts us deeply for the rest of our lives. We can heal our hearts from the loss and move forward with our lives, yet this does not mean that we are not still impacted by it, even as we find stability, happiness and a sense of wholeness again. The loss of someone we love is a loss that remains with us forever. We simply learn how to hold it differently in our Being as time and life go on.

So how do children grieve? Let's look at this more closely:

1. Research shows us that young children express themselves most readily and easily through play rather than with words. Tremendous healing can happen through the act of play for children. They can express and expose feelings in a way that feels safer than trying to speak them.  Through the symbology of play, they are "one step removed" from the experience. Play allows them to project their truth into the toys and then back out again without it feeling too personal or threatening. Even though it is "pretend," play offers kids an opening and an outlet for their feelings that words cannot.

2. Rather than long, drawn-out, infrequent expressions of grief, children show their grief in small doses. They may seem fine one moment and then sad in the next, and then go back to seeming fine. Their emotional movements are cleaner than those of adults; they don't have as much "stickiness" or stories attached to their feelings as adults do. So, kids experience and express them more cleanly - meaning short, small expressions that happen more frequently, instead of long, big expressions that happen occasionally. This is a more natural cycle of emotion. However, kids learn to do what feels comfortable to those around them as well, so if they sense that they should hide or change their grief in some way, they will.

3. How well a child understands death can also affect their grieving. Kids who have a better grasp of the finality and unavoidable nature of death will grieve differently than kids who don't quite understand these things yet. Feeling the loss as a permanent part of their life impacts their emotional body more deeply and profoundly than feeling it as a temporary loss or not quite integrating its full meaning. Children with the cognitive capacity to understand that death is final, irreversible and unavoidable will grieve it more completely and intimately than those who don't. Kids who need more time and maturity to fully grasp the meaning of death will integrate the experience more slowly.

4. Overall, kids don't have as many coping skills to deal with a loss as adults do. They may not have the kinds of life experiences that would teach them how to cope through a loss, so the first time they face one, it may feel awkward to them. They may be uncomfortable with their feelings around it. That is why it is so important for adults to model openness and authentic expression of emotions while grieving; you are teaching kids how to heal and cope following a loss or death. By watching you through healthy grieving, kids learn how to do it too. They don't yet have the skills to manage the full impact of a loss or death on their own; they need the example and support of the adults around them to learn.

5. As mentioned earlier in this series, children are sensitive to the feelings of those around them, especially their parents and caregivers. If they sense that the adults around them are in pain, they may hide or disguise their own feelings to protect them. This doesn't mean that adults must hide their pain from children; quite the opposite. By teaching kids that it's OK to express feelings as part of the healing process, they learn to be comfortable with not only the feelings of others, but with their own.

6. Just as with adults, kids don't want to seem different from their peers. They don't want others treating them differently; they don't want to stand out; and they don't want to be identified as different. Loss or death can be things that set them apart so they may try to hide their feelings or distance themselves from the experience to avoid being singled out in any way by their peers. Getting them involved in a support group of some kind can give them a place to feel they are not so different from others, where they can talk openly about their experience without being singled out in any way.

By honoring the way children grieve - their expression through play, frequent and small emotional swings, level of understanding, coping skills, sensitivity and desire to be "normal" rather than different - adults can support them in finding healthy ways to move through a loss or death.

In the next article of this series, we'll explore the "normal" symptoms of children's grief. Until then, peace be. [Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

Often, adults believe that they must be strong and hide their grief from kids to protect them from the pain of a loss in their lives. There are two problems with this belief. The first is that kids are highly sensitive; they hear and feel what you do, no matter how hard you try to hide it or pretend everything is fine. The second problem is that you can't model healthy coping and grieving for kids if you never let them see you do it!

Kids are sensitive little Beings. No matter how hard you may try to hide the truth from children, they feel it anyway. They hear things, they see things and they feel things; whether those things are spoken, shown or felt in front of them does not matter. They know something is different. Hiding the truth from them only creates confusion within their own emotional body and teaches them to doubt what they feel and sense in the world around them. Remember that most communication happens non-verbally. Kids pick up cues through facial expressions, sounds and other signals even if words or raw emotions are not expressed openly. They know that something happened. The most important thing for adults to offer kids following a loss is the truth about it.

The reality is that hiding the truth from kids, and denying or stuffing emotions around them, robs them of the chance to learn healthy coping and to heal their hearts following a loss. Grief is a natural reaction to the loss or death of a loved one for us all - including children. Hiding your feelings or pretending you feel something you don't can leave kids confused about what's happening. They may feel sad yet see Daddy pretending that everything is fine. They may miss Daddy but believe they cannot express that if Mommy doesn't talk about it. They may be scared but feel confused when Grandma says everything is fine...

These kinds of distorted emotional messages cause confusion for kids and hamper their ability to grieve and heal naturally following a loss. It is important to remember that everybody - even very young children - have the capacity to heal. And everybody - even very young children - experience the loss of people or things in their lives that they love. No one escapes life without loss. This means that teaching kids to move beyond loss in an honest way is teaching them a very valuable life skill.

One of the most important ways to support children through a loss or death is to model healthy grieving for them. This means that you express your own feelings around them in an honest and present way rather than hiding them. This is how we heal our hearts around loss - by expressing our feelings and letting them pass through our Being. This doesn't mean that you must always grieve in front of children, but that you are open about your sadness and other emotions around the loss when they arise. This gives kids the safety and permission to honor and express their own feelings around it rather than trying to hide, deny or stuff them.

True strength is having the courage to allow feelings to arise and express in a safe way, which is how we heal our wounded hearts. Here is an example of what might be shared:

"Yes, mommy is sad because she misses daddy...a lot. He was a big part of our lives and now he's not here anymore and sometimes I wish he was. Sometimes I'm mad that daddy's not here. Sometimes I'm really sad and I cry a lot. Sometimes I'm scared. Sometimes I laugh and I am happy. Sometimes I feel so loved and held that I know we will all be OK. Whatever we feel as we heal from daddy's death is OK right now. It's a big change for all of us.")

This is honest expression of feelings around a loss without creating fear, blame, distortion or confusion. It also gives kids permission to feel and express whatever they need to around a loss or death. With honest expression, adults can clear up any distortions that kids may have created around the event, and can offer understanding, compassion and support to them.

Emotions are energy and this energy must move through the body and be released. Holding emotional energy in the body can lead to physical issues, illness, dysfunction or destructive behaviors. Avoiding emotions creates a pressure in the body that eventually must be released. When we wait until the pressure builds up, we generally explode the emotion out in an unsafe, unhealthy, dysfunctional or destructive way that damages our relationships and interferes with our ability to cope.

Honest expression of feelings as they arise is the way to release their energy in small doses from the body, rather than letting them build up pressure. When allowed to flow freely in this way, there is no "backlog" to release when they finally do express, so they are less intense and more current. This kind of emotional acceptance and openness creates the foundation for a healthy Being by allowing healing and wholeness rather than generating dysfunction, destruction or isolation.

If you are uncomfortable with your feelings and don't want to express or share them with children or others in your life, find help. There are qualified people who can confidentially support you through your own healing around a loss or death. By honoring your personal process in this way, you can truly be a strong, stable means of support for your children, helping them to gain healthy coping skills that will serve them for life.

There is so much to say in this arena. I am sharing what I see as highlights around children's grief, and hope that it supports you in your journey. Look for the 3rd article in this series soon, when we address the specifics about how children grieve. Until then, peace be. [Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

Many adults make the mistake of using symbolism to explain death to young children. They say things like: "Grandma went to sleep" or "Grandpa went to heaven today" or "Your father went to a better place" or "God needed another Angel so he took your friend" when children ask what happened to someone they love. In the long term, not telling children the truth about death has a negative impact on them. Children tend to take our words literally so they take the symbolism behind these statements as fact. Although well-intended, saying things like this to children causes confusion and can make them afraid to go to sleep, to let any of their loved ones go to sleep, to let you leave their site or to live their lives without being afraid of disappearing or having God take them or their loved ones away. They may wonder when Grandma is going to wake up, when Grandpa is coming back from heaven, what's wrong with this place or what's wrong with them that dad went to a better place, or when God might snatch them or their loved ones up to heaven to be an Angel.

Disguising the truth about death also prevents children from accepting and grieving the loss in a healthy way. Death and loss are a natural and inevitable part of our lives. Things die or go away every day. Learning to honor our emotions and heal our hearts around loss is a healthy part of  being alive. When we deny children their right to accept and grieve death and loss or we give them confusing messages about it, they are left with lies, distortions and "emotional baggage" about an important part of their life experience. Part of the emotional baggage they hold is around not being told the truth by the adults in their lives. When they learn the truth later (and they will), they will not only feel betrayed and question their ability to trust adults, but they will also have to grieve the loss again, this time the original loss plus the loss of trust and the feeling of betrayal. Eventually, the lies, distortions and baggage will have to be dealt with. The more time that passes, the harder it is to clean it up.

Experts in the field of children's grief agree that honesty is the best approach around this very sensitive issue. Even children as young as 2 or 3 can be told in an age-appropriate way what "death" is and what it means.  Most children are happy to have their questions answered in a way that explains what happened, removes any confusion, guilt or fear, and allows them to honestly express their emotions around the loss. This is a much easier and healthier way for them to heal from the loss than being misled, lied to or protected to the degree that they cannot experience the loss in an authentic way.

Here are some examples of how to talk to children about death:

• "Your Grandma died this morning. That means her heart stopped beating, she stopped breathing and she will not get up again. She died because she was old and her body stopped working. It was nobody's fault."
• "Your Grandpa died yesterday. That means his heart stopped beating, he stopped breathing and he will not get up again. He died because he had cancer. It was nobody's fault. He loved you very much. Nothing you did made him die."
• Your father died last night. That means his heart stopped beating, he stopped breathing and he will not get up again. He died because he was in a car accident and his body got hurt so badly it couldn't be fixed. It was nobody's fault. He loved you very much. Nothing you or anyone else did made him die. Do you have any questions about it? I can see that you feel really sad." (CHILD: "I really miss him.") I bet you do. Tell me something you remember about your dad."
• "Your friend died today. That means her heart stopped beating, she stopped breathing and she will not get up again. She died because she got pneumonia and her body stopped working. Not everybody who gets pneumonia dies but she did; sometimes that happens. It was nobody's fault. You won't see her at school or church anymore. I can see that it makes you sad. What else do you feel? (CHILD: "I called her a baby and made her cry.") Are you worried that calling her a baby and making her cry had something to do with her death? (CHILD nods.) Calling someone a name or making them cry cannot kill them; her death wasn't your fault. What else are you feeling?"

The four examples above give you some ways to explain death to children. It is best to answer their questions about death in an honest, age-appropriate, specific way. It is also important to give them the space to express anything they may be feeling or struggling with around the death so you can calm any confusions or fears they may have about it. Reflecting their feelings and asking questions to help them process the feelings helps them understand and grieve the death in a healthy way (e.g., "What do you want to say to your friend?")

Stay tuned for future articles in this series about death. Until then, peace be. [Information in this series is adapted from a presentation by Hope Hospice, a non-profit organization based in New Braunfels, TX: 1-800-499-7501. For more information and support through loss and grief, contact your local hospice services.]

Integration of information - how your child processes the bits of information that are given in and out of class - has to do in part with how their brain works. Our brain functioning is largely influenced by what we eat and drink, how much sleep and rest we get, how stressed we feel, and how much activity we do.  Sometimes making a simple lifestyle change can help balance brain functioning and support  children's ability to learn. If your child is having difficulty in school, it's worth taking the time to look at some common influences in their daily lives to find places that may be out of balance so you can restore balance. Here are a few places to start:

1. Clean up their diet to focus on fresh, healthy foods, snacks and drinks that are low in fat, sugar, caffeine and gluten, plus high in protein, vitamins and minerals. This might include sliced fruits or vegetables with peanut butter or cheese, nuts, caffeine-free drinks that are low in processed sugar, cereal, whole grain toast with nut butter or even cream cheese, guacamole and healthy corn chips, rice cakes or crackers with cheese or nut butter, hard-boiled eggs or low-sugar yogart with fruit. Plenty of valid research supports the importance of proper nutrition on brain functioning and health in general, especially if your child has a sensitivity to things like refined sugars or gluten. Some of the more common side effects of these items include energy peaks and valleys, hyperactivity, distracted attention, difficulty focusing or sustaining attention, mood swings, headaches, digestive issues, irritability and sleep challenges. Children with gluten sensitivities may experience more severe effects, such as autistic-like symptoms. Caffeine and processed sugars create a "double whammy" on the body by also absorbing needed nutrients from the body. Working with a holistic doctor or nutritionist to balance your child's body and brain with diet and/or supplements can make a big difference in their ability to thrive at school.

2. Make a schedule to allow for (ideally) 8 hours of restful sleep each night. This is what the body needs to replenish and recover from a full day of activity. Without enough rest, your child may get fatigued, confused, low in energy, irritable or depressed and moody, which makes participating in daily activities such as school and night-time routines a challenge.

3. Do your best to create a low-stress home where your child can get homework done and relax after school. Stress (especially emotional stress) depletes the body of energy, distracts and confuses the mind, and keeps the body in a tense, "high alert" state that does not support focused learning. If home doesn't work, consider going to a public library for homework and relaxing time for a few hours after school.

4. Get children outdoors for at least an hour to do something fun that moves the body in the evenings and on the weekend: take a hike, ride a bike, play tag or basketball, etc.... Moving the body feeds it fresh oxygen and energy, plus helps it flush out staleness and toxins. It gets the heart pumping so fresh blood reaches and nourishes the brain, body organs and limbs, stretches and strengthens muscles, and fires up the metabolism to help manage weight. Doing some movement before homework wakes the brain up so it's better prepared to "learn." And light exercise before bedtime can help the body relax more readily and deeply during sleep. Keep nighttime movement light, though, to get the body ready for sleep rather than energized for activity!

5. Just as with learning anything new, the more something is applied and related to everyday life, the more deeply it is integrated into the reserve of knowledge held in our brain. It is easier to retrieve information when it is linked to experiences, stories, examples, etc. If your child is having a hard time understanding a new skill or integrating some information, see how many ways you can bring it into your daily life. Talk about it, question it, tell a story about it; even if it doesn't apply to a certain situation you're discussing, that is information too! You might call this "Bridging" or "Teachable Moments." Take any opportunity you can to weave the new information into what you're doing every day and relate it to something familiar. This creates a web of connections around the information that helps give it a context for proper use and makes it easier to access. It's a bit like building a puzzle around a piece you cannot find; eventually, the surrounding pieces create a context that makes it easier to find the missing piece!

Reducing nutritional and physical stress on the body, and using Bridging or Teachable Moments during everyday life can go a long way toward supporting brain  functioning, learning, and integration of new information. Proper nutrition for the body and brain automatically reduces stress on the system and how it operates; so does getting enough rest and exercise. These fairly simple shifts can clear up mental grogginess and confusion, balance out emotional peaks and valleys, and keep energy available to the body and brain for your child's best functioning during the school day. Using Bridging and Teachable Moments outside of the classroom builds a mental context to help new information integrate on a deeper, more personal level so that it can be more easily accessed and applied in life.

For more information and tips about how to support children's success, see my book AD/HD Generation: Holistic Ways To Support Children.

Your child's ability to learn is influenced by many things, including their learning strengths and weaknesses (in terms of specific skills), preferred learning style (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, multi-style) and their level of engagement (passive and active), which we looked at in earlier articles. Each of these things is also influenced by your child's personal learning style.

Personal learning style refers to the personal characteristics that influence your child's level of engagement - how willing they are to participate fully. This includes things that are a part of their personality at this stage of their development. Some examples are their:

• sense of self-confidence (how confident they feel in themselves)
  
• sense of self-competence (how confident they feel in their abilities)
  
• sense of empowerment (how powerful or in control they feel)
  
• healthy risk-taking (comfort with asking & answering questions, raising their hand, speaking in front of class, etc.)
  
• integration of information (how they process the bits of information that are given)

And each of these things are in turn influenced by other factors. That is why learning is such a complex issue; there are many pieces to each child's learning puzzle. Yet personal learning style is something that can be shifted in supportive ways. There are ways to build and strengthen your child's sense of self-confidence, self-competence and empowerment. As these increase, their healthy risk-taking may increase too, for example. Some ways to increase them include:

• break tasks into small, do-able steps to build a sense of success, confidence and competence;

• give them special (do-able) tasks that build their confidence and sense of empowerment, like handing out books or papers at school, or working on a special project with you at home; be sure to use things that they can fairly easily do or learn to build their sense of accomplishment and confidence

• be a role model for "making mistakes" while learning something new; teach them to use each try to gather more information to plan the next try; learning something new is never about shame or guilt, but instead is about trying something enough times to learn how to master it

• acknowledge each time they try something, even if they don't succeed, and focus on something positive they did or got from the experience

• encourage them to explore and try new things just for the fun of it, to see what happens when they try, without the pressure of having to succeed

• always hold them in a space of being capable of reaching their goal, even if they cannot reach it yet

• encourage them to do their best and to accept it as enough

• encourage rather than praise their attempts and achievements (e.g.: "You can be proud of yourself for getting that done in time!" instead of "I am proud of you."
  

• be specific rather than general (e.g.: "You really focused to get that done!" instead of "Great job!")

These are just a few ways to build children's self-confidence, self-competence and sense of empowerment. To learn more ways to support your child's development and confidence, check out Chapter 3: Parenting - Fine-tuning the parent-child relationship for positive change in my book: AD/HD Generation: Holistic Ways to Support Children.

In the next article, we'll look more closely at things that influence how your child integrates the information they are learning. Until then, peace be.

First, let me say that there are numerous summer camps for children but few in Wimberley proper. Most of them are in surrounding cities like Austin, which most parents do not have the time to enlist in. There are also a handful of life coaches and counselors in town, but not for children; they focus on adults and the occasional teen. So where can parents of younger children find support?

I am currently searching for a space to offer a circle for girls this summer. I'm focusing on girls because that's what I know best, being one myself and having grown up the youngest of six girls... Plus, girls tend to be "internalizers" rather than "externalizers," making it harder for their struggles to be identified and met with sufficient support. Just as with this young girl, sometimes they hold things inside until they simply cannot suffer for it any longer. This is no way for them to live.

If you have interest in something like this for your own daughter and you are in or near Wimberley, email me at cecilia@myinnerscapes.com to let me know. These circles will be for emotional healing and growth, competence-building, social skills and self-esteem. That way, I can let you know when it's happening.

In the case of this loving mother's precious daughter, she is able to contain her turmoil to a certain point, and then - as with any of us - she reaches a "point of no return" where some seemingly small event triggers a huge and extreme reaction... and out comes all the held-in heaviness. The good part of such reactions in children is that they provide a release for things they've been holding inside and can ultimately give needed information about what's going on for them. They also let parents and other adults recognize that support is needed, even if the child is not able to ask for it directly.

There may be a pattern to the outbursts that signals how long a child can generally go between reactions. This pattern can tell parents how much time it takes for their child's internal stress level to reach its peak again. If some time passes between outbursts, this suggests their general level of stress may not be so high all day so it takes a little longer for their "stress bucket" to refill. Sometimes after an outburst, children will be more calm and cooperative for a period of time since the "internal pressure" that they built up was released.  If outbursts happen often, this suggests that the child is generally operating in a fairly stressed state all day, so it doesn't take long for their "stress bucket" to refill. It's a good idea to pay attention to the pattern of your child's outbursts. If they happen several times a day, it may mean they are operating at a high internal stress level and/or have a chemical imbalance of some sort that's worth addressing to bring stability back.

The challenging part of such reactions is that they are often distorted, extreme and chaotic when they are expressed. They might even be described as dangerous and "toxic" to their relationships with self and others. It can be hard to determine the real issue children are dealing with for all the upheaval. Yet, such reactions do give parents and adults an idea of the degree to which the youngster is feeling distressed about whatever it is. And they also signal the need for help and support for both the youngster and you, their parents. When reactions reach a dangerous, toxic and/or frequent level, it's time to take action and get support for you and your child, and the sooner, the better.

One piece of this puzzle that I want to address is related to truth vs. manipulation. This mother is rightfully concerned that her daughter's behavior is a manipulative ploy to get her way. She has witnessed her daughter getting much empathy from other adults around this behavior, adults that she feels do not understand the whole history with her child and who then pressure her to "give in" to the daughter's wishes.

It is certainly wise to sort this piece out. Supporting a child's manipulative patterning is not helpful! Yet at the same time, there are grains of truth held within each event, even if the behavior is manipulative in the moment. While we don't want to feed "manipulative patterns," we do want to look at why the patterns have been adopted by the child for coping purposes. What is it that underlies their behavior? When we take time to really explore the situation, we can get clear about what's going on for the child so we can offer them support and healing.

For example, it is useful to explore what need is being met; what "emotional wound" may be getting stirred up; what is their view of the world; how stressed do they feel about it, etc...even if from our adult perspective, it is extreme, manipulative and/or unrelated to reality. We must remember that we see it through our reality, but  their reality is feeding the behavior. We must learn what exactly their reality is so that we can provide an opportunity for them to redefine any distortions, heal old wounds and continue to grow in a healthy way.

So how do we do this? How do we "learn what exactly their reality is?" There are many ways to do this. My favorites include art and play techniques, family sculptures and story telling. Children express themselves best through play rather than language. Their main language is play. Play includes doing art activities, playing with doll houses and other selective toys, telling and reading stories, and using props to map out what the family feels like to them and how they feel as a part of it.

Through the symbology of such play, children relate new information to their real-world lives and use it to heal inside. Supported play gives them an opportunity to revisit and redefine their challenges in a non-threatening, indirect way. Then, they integrate the new perspective into their world view. This leads not only to a new view of their life, but new ways of holding themselves through it. Supported play can result in profound healing and behavioral changes in children (and adults, actually!). I have witnessed it over and over again.

So, although I cannot yet give an answer to the question about summer support circles for young girls in this area, I do encourage parents to take their child's outbursts as a signal of their internal life experience and level of distress even if it feels like manipulative behavior. It's very likely that their (manipulative) behavior is a habit they've developed to cope with something else going on deep inside, some need or fear they have. Children's behavior is purposeful; there is generally more to it than initially meets the eye.

Got a question? Send it to me via email and I will address it. Thank you and have a beautiful day.

The Cone of Learning provides one model for how our brains may learn and retain information. (What I share here is revised from the materials of Bruce Nyland and Edgar Dale.) Our learning may be based on our level of involvement or engagement in something. This ties into "Raising Grades Part 1" which is about learning styles. Our preferred learning style tends to reflect different levels of involvement, ranging from "passive" to "active." Let's look more closely at these concepts:

Passive learning is when we receive information verbally or visually through listening or watching. With passive learning techniques, there is no direct involvement beyond receiving the information. This might include reading, hearing words, looking at pictures, watching a movie, looking at an exhibit, watching a demonstration, or seeing something done on location.

Active learning involves both receiving and participating by doing something. With active learning techniques, there is direct involvement beyond receiving the information by watching or listening. This might include discussing, presenting, copying, play acting, practicing, doing the real thing, etc.

Research suggests we tend to remember:

10% of what we read

20% of what we hear

30% of what we see

50% of what we hear and see

70% of what we say

90% of what we say and do

In other words, the more active our level of involvement and engagement, the more we tend to recall. You may have experienced this while driving to a new place (before GPS systems were available!). If you've only been once before and someone else was driving, you may find that you don't know how to get there  on your own. Your level of engagement and involvement as a passenger in a car may be different from your level of engagement and involvement as the driver of a car. As the driver, you pay closer attention to road signs, street names, land marks, etc.; your level of participation is higher. Knowing this can help you refine and work with your child's preferred learning style: the more active and involved they are, the more they may remember. This is especially helpful for learning new things.

For example, to teach your child how to tie their shoes, you might:

1. tell them how it is done (hearing),

2. then demonstrate slowly a few times while they watch (seeing),

3. then demonstrate as you narrate each step (hearing and seeing),

4. then have them narrate each step with you as you demonstrate (hearing, seeing and saying),

5. then physically guide them through one step of the process with narration (guided saying and doing),

6. then physically guide them through the entire process with narration (guided saying and doing),

7. then have them copy you in doing the entire process step by step with narration (hearing, seeing, saying and doing), and finally...

8. have them narrate and complete the entire process on their own (solo saying and doing).

It may seem like a long process, but your child may actually integrate and learn (remember) new skills faster and easier if you move them stepwise through passive to active participation. Some kids are comfortable jumping right into "saying and doing" while others are not. Some kids do OK without much coaching or engagement, but just by watching or hearing someone else. You know your child best, and you know how comfortable they might be with each level of activity. Tailor your teaching to their level of comfort and to what they seem to prefer. We'll look at things like comfort level and sense of confidence in the next article... For now, pay attention to and work with your child's comfort level to avoid overwhelm and refusals to try.

Keep in mind that there are many, many things that impact a child's ability to learn. For instance, your child's ability to learn can fluctuate around what they ate for breakfast and lunch; or how much sleep they got; or how stressed they feel inside; or a teacher's style, personality and classroom dynamics. So, it's best not to assume that they will or should learn in the same way across days or classroom settings, or that their grades across subjects should be similar. They may do great in Math but struggle in Social Studies. This kind of fluctuation is linked to more than just your child's intelligence, preferred learning style and the Cone of Learning.

Next time, we'll take a look at some of the other factors that affect your child's grades. Until then, peace be.